The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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