I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
