nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
