tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
