Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
