Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
