I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
