your parents love me but you hate me
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
