Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
