i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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