I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
