need another drink. this is the easiest way
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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