I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
