two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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