I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
