if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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