my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
