DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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