you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
All I want is dick and wine.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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