I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
