Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
