if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
