Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
