Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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