There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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