We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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