bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
