What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
