You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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