I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
