got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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