Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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