The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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