Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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