I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
