Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
