used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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