The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
