i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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