i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
