I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
