my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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