party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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