somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
