I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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