it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
where am i from again
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
