I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
