My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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