he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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