Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
