This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
