you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
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